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Post by Slazh, Webmaster on Apr 16, 2008 11:17:18 GMT 8
This thread will show whatever joke you have, green, black or white joke will do, basta green hehehe.
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:41:44 GMT 8
Bread Pitt is a a bakery.
Maruya Carey is a a fast-food place selling turon and maruya in Greenbelt , Makati
Caintacky Fried Chicken is a an eatery in Cainta, Rizal.
Mang Donald's is a a burger joint at the Naga City plaza.
Candies Be Love? Can anything be sweeter than this?
Doris Day and Night is a a 24-hour eatery.
Babalik Karinderia is obvious.
Holland Hopia is owned by Mr. Ho.
and next-door neighbor Poland Hopia is owned by Mr. Po. in Chinatown
Miki Mao is a a noodle house.
Tapsi Turbi is a a tapa house.
Cleopata's is a a manukan and bakahan.
Goto Heaven is obvious.
The Fried of Marikina is a a fried chicken house.
Wrap and Roll is a a lumpia outlet at the Quad, Makati .
Pansit ng taga-Malaboni is a a panciteria on Boni Avenue , Mandaluyong.
Side-saki is a a side street eatery beside Mandarin Oriental in Makati .
Let's Goat-Together is a kambingan-cum-beer garden.
Meating Place is a a meat shop.
Meatropolis is a another meat shop.
Isda best,
Pusit to the limit,
and Hipon coming back
are entrees on the menu of a seafood restaurant.
Cinna Von is a laundromat.
Pier Carding is a a tailoring shop in Pier, Manila .
The Way We Wear is a boutique.
Curl Up and Dye is a a beauty salon.
Goldilooks is a barber shop.
Bote Nga Sa 'Yo is a used bottle shop.
Goldirocks is a gravel and sand shop.
Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits is a video rental shop in Palawan .
Leon King is a Video Rental in Las Pi?as.
Memory Drug is a clone of Mercury Drug.
Petal Attraction is a flower shop near UP Diliman.
Susan's Roses is a flower shop, but of course!
Maid to Order is a maid-placement agency.
Singalong Sing-along is a karaoke bar in Singalong (where else?).
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:42:45 GMT 8
Because of the bad press this country is getting.
When I travel people often ask me why I live in the Philippines .
Well here it is , It is the only place on earth...
. where every street has a basketball court.
. Where even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
. Where doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.
... Where students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
... where school is considered the second home and the mall considered the third.
... where call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
. Where everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition.
... where mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.
... where everything can be forged.
... where all kinds of animals are edible.
... where Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
... where driving 4 kms can take as much as four hours.
... where flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
... where crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
... where the personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster
... where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
... where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.
... where people can pay to defy the law.
... where everything and everyone is spoofed.
... where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger (peke)!
... where the honking of car horns is a way of life.
... where being called a bum is never offensive.
... where floodwaters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
... where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
... where wearing your national colors makes you baduy.
... where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (GSM-galing sa magnanakaw).
... where insurance does not work.
... where water can only be classified as tap and dirty - clean water is for sale (35 pesos per
gallon).
... where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (Amen to that!)
... where University of the Philippines where all the weird people go.
Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is where all the Chinese go.
College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go,
and University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
... where fast food is a diet meal.
... where traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.
... where being mugged is normal.. It happens to everyone.
... where rodents are normal house pets.
... where the definition of traffic is the 'non-movement' of vehicles.
... where the fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military engagements,
and the new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
... where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
... where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
... where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment.
... where people can get away with stealing trillions of pesos, but not a thousand.
... where being an hour late is still considered punctual. (Grabe talaga 'to!)
... where the squatters have more to complain (even if they do not pay their tax) ----
than those employed and have their tax automatically deducted from their salaries.
... and where everyone wants to leave the country!
FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT ...
- the sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
- a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
- Barber shop called: Felix The Cut
- a bakery named Bread Pitt
- fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
- there are Christopher Plumbing a boutique called The Way We Wear
- a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
- a restaurant in the Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken,
- a local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's - a doughnut shop called MacDonuts,
- a shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll,
- and two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to
unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the'Taglish' (the
Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy
Filipino such as,
- at a restaurant menu in Cebu 'We hab sopdrink in can an in batol'
[translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces].
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words,
but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them.
In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the Philippines : ' Wanted: Boy Waitress';
on a highway in Pampanga: 'We Make Modern Antique Furniture';
on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : 'We Shoot You While You Wait¢
and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila : ' Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.'
Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as, a shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying:
'We Sell Imported Robber Shoes' (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
and a rental property sign in Jaro, reads: 'House For Rent, Fully Furnaced' (it must really be hot inside)!
Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique--if not altogether odd.
City in southern Philippines , which said:
'Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation. '
European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops
selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia,
which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs,
Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively- -(believe it or not)!
Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient 'The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words,' says reader Robert Goodfellow, who came
across a sign...
' House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two
will do?
According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako,
there is so much wit in the Philippines because '. . .
we are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive.
We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.
Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:44:09 GMT 8
Dear Anak,
Datnan ka nawa ng sulat na ito na nasa mabuting kalagayan.
Naipadala ko na yun 50 thousand pesos na tuition fee mo, ipinagbili na namin ang mga kalabaw natin. Ang mahal pala ng kursong COUNTER STRIKE? Wala na din nga pala tayong mga baboy, naibenta na din naming para dun sa sinasabi mong project nyo na NOKIA N75, ang mahal naman ng project nayun anak? Kasama din ang 7 thousand dun para sa field trip nyo sa MALL OF ASIA, anak malayo ba yun mag ingat ka sa pagbibiyahe mo ha, isasanla pala namin ang palayan natin para mabili mo nag yung instrumentong I-Pod na kinakailangan mo sa laboratory nyo. Anak komportable kaba jan sa boarding house mo san ba kamu yan… sa VICTORIA COURT? Maganda ba dyan di ba mainit jan? Anak kamusta na pala yung group project nyo na SANMIG LIGHT napailaw nyo na ba? Mataas ba nakuha nyo na grado dun?
Anak sana bago pa maubos ang lahat lahat ng ari-arian natin ay maka gradweyt ka na, walong taon ba talaga ang kurso mo sa SECRETARIAL, sana pag gradweyt mo makakuha ka ng trabaho kaagad kagaya ng Manager ng kumpanya para mabawi natin ang mga ari arian nating sa sanglaan. Ay sya nga pala anak diba sabi mo sa JOLLIBEE / MAKDONALD ka palagi kumakain, ok ba naman sayo ang mga ulam dyan? Baka hindi masarap kawawa ka naman. Eh yung school bus nyo na TAXI sabihin mo sa driver mag ingat cya sa pag dri-drive hane.
Anak hanggang dito nalang at sa susunod ay ipapadala ko sayo ang pera na pambili mo ng ALTIS na gagamitin mo sa VACANT SUBJECT mo.
Ang nagmamahal
Itay at Inay
P.S. Anak mag aral kang mabuti at wag kakalimutan magdasal bago matulog
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:46:22 GMT 8
"TEACHER: Class draw a fish..! CLASS: Yes ma'am! TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..? PEDRO: Ma'am, bagoong po yan." "Pulis at Intsik: Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis. Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.." "PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . . DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . ....Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente" Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo. Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw? Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser, nagkopyahan tayo "WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo! MAN: ok,akin ang bahay! WIFE: akin ang farm! MAN: akin ang kotse! WIFE: ah pero akin driver MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!" "Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!" "May bagong kasal: MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!" REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na... REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA  Police: "Di Namin Alam " "Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!" A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy.. BABY: Does this mean I am an angel??? FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!! In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked; are you going to dance?? The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said; "yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??" "Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus! TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!" Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang? Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya  bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad? bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare? bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat! Boy:Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase! Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi? Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako! Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator: Bush: "Lets help one another..." Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. ......" Bush: "...let's strive together..." Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..." Bush: "...because in union there is strength." Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!" Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo? Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger. Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger. Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko. Erap writing on a slum book: Favorite Actor: Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase) Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase) Arnold Schwarzz... .... (erase) Arnold Shwazenne... . ...(erase) Arnold Shwazenner.. . .....(erase) Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase) Arnold Schchwarzenne. ...... (erase) Arnold Clavio Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..) Pare 1: Di pa rin e Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...) Pare 1: Wala pa rin Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na! Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo? Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman! Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan? Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (nyahahahaha! ) Sa isang mumurahing airline: Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner? Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices? Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po. |
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:48:25 GMT 8
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the princess.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
plastic
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day,
he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.
She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.
Question:
What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:52:37 GMT 8
- Inday... hindi makatulog dahil nahohomesick
"I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons, has my emptiness made itself manifests, extending to that niche where I was given life and growth, that because of austerity I was made separated from..."
- Inday, nageemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si Dodong, ang boyfriend niya
"I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber, though the downpour of rain should've made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue I have for you, cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what I feel for you is inevitable. This isn't platonic. It's real, true romance."
- ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ng kapitbahay)
"The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"
-si Inday nagpapaalam mamalengke
Dear sir/madam,
Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis
Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda..o nga pla inglesira ka... would you please purchase many fishes for our this week's meals?
Inday: Judging from your statement I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term "fishes", although rarely and even erroneously used, connotes a plethora or an array of different kinds of the aforementioned gilled creatures. But the more pressing questions before I traveresed the road to the wet market would be: What certain type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or just right smack the day's catch? (Pauses) Aaah... by manner of careful extrapolation, given the meager budget in this houshold's quasi-peasant middle class taste, I assume then I will source the staple "galewng-gowng" . Am I correct?
Amo: Leche!
Inday: You meant the freshwater milkfish? Then the "ba-ngooz" is it!
"La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?
- si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo sa España
*Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar serve with milagrosa rice (red avriety) and apricot sauce *Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive olive *Lychee and peach salad with sour cream cheese topped with lemon zests
- baon ni Junior sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday
"Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just landed on my cutie top? I mean I've spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I'll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!"
- reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia
"Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market."
- banat ni Inday kung bakit walang "kangkong" sa nilutong sinigang
"Heavy fire that exerted by the stimulus affect the best conductor of heat which is the steel, causing the "oriza sativa" which is the scientific name of rice to change its state of color, smell as well as the taste."
- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing
"Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution! "
- si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate... (Taray talaga ni Inday!)
"Allergens triggered the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and prostaglandins. These substance results to increase circulation to the site promoting redness."
- sagot ni inday nun tanungin ni sir kung bakit may rashes si Junior
Amo: Day! Bakit may bukol si Junior?!
Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
Amo: (Di nakareact)
"Dear Mom,
Had it not been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed moment ago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn't enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabily run academe. Oh such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never lot being a governess can be such a strenuous employ.
Your daughter,
Inday"
"Dear Inday,
Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong kababasa ng pesteng sulat mo!
Tatay"
Mister: Bakit tuwing pag-uwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng TV??!!!
Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing!
Amo: Inday di ba nanood ka ng The Buzz kahapon? Bkit daw umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA7?
Inday: Sometimes people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can be a tough act and it's harder when people can't understand you for doing so.
"Physical stress and excessive work may result to serious damage to one's body. It is therefore essential that once in a while we take a break from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we once had."
- sabi ni Inday sa amo noong humingi siya ng dayoff
Misis: Inday, bakit mo binenta yung sirang silya?
Inday: I have computed the chair's fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using projections for 5 years and a pre-tax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on Property, Plant, and Equipment, and PAS36 on Impairment of Assets!
Misis: ADIK ka talaga Inday!
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:55:02 GMT 8
DORMITORY:
When you rear range the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 3:59:52 GMT 8
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.
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Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."
Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".
Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".
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Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Bakit ako nabuntis? Dok: Paano n’yo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo? Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
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a LOLO went to a bar...he was asked MANAGER:sir, ano po gusto niyo!? GRO o CG?! LOLO: alam ko yung GRO...pero anong CG?! yan ba yung Call Girl!? MANAGER: hindi sir........ Care Giver!
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JUDGE: You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with a DEADLY weapon?? WIFE: No, your honor, I'm divorcing him for annoying me every night with a DEAD weapon!!!!!
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GMA:ako tapon 100 piso, 100 tao saya GARCI:ako tapon 1000 piso, 1000 tao saya PILOT:ako tapon kayong dalawa, milyon tao saya!
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Isang gabi sa eskinita, napansin ni Pedro ang isang seksing babaing naglalakad mag-isa. Tinawag niya ang babae. Pedro: Miss, babayaran kita ng P500 kung pweding mahalikan ang suso mo! Miss: Bastos, gago ka ba at sabay binilisan ang lakad. Habol din si Pedro. Pedro: Miss, gagawin kung P1,000 basta makahalik sa suso mo. Miss: Alam mo, hindi ako ganyang klasing tao para tanggapin ang offer mo. Pedro: Miss, huling offer, P5,000. Miss: Sa isang kondisyon, basta halik lang sa suso. Punta sila sa isang sulok at inilabas ang malaki at malusog na suso. Sinunggaban agad ni Pedro ang dyoga, sabay himas sa kaliwa at kaplog naman doon sa kanan. Masaya si Pedro at medyo nag-init na ng biglang nagsalita ang bebot. Miss: Ano ba, hindi mo ba hahalikan ang boobs ko? Pedro: Gusto ko sana pero ang mahal naman ng bayad!
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 4:04:08 GMT 8
kung ang lahi nila eva at adam ay pinoy, hindi sana nahulog sa kasalanan ang unang mga tao...... bakit naman? hindi nila kakainin ung bunga, kundi yung ahasssss ******************************************************************************************** Daddy:nak,bili mo ko ng softdrinks. Anak:coke o pepsi? D:coke A:diet o regular D:regular A:bote o incan? D:bote A:8oz. o litro? D:punyeta!tubig na lang! A:mineral o natural? D:mineral A:malamig o hindi? D:lintek! hampasin na kita ng walis eh! A:tambo otingting? D:HAYOP KA! A:kabayo o baboy? Hehehe ******************************************************************************************** estudyante nahuling may kodigo* prof: ano 'to!? estudyante: prayer ko po yan ma'am! prof:at bakit answers ang nakasulat?! estudyante: naku! sinagot na yung prayers ko! hahaha! ******************************************************************************************** MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin? MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili! MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko? MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi! ******************************************************************************************** Nanay : anak lutuin mo na yung gulay para may makain na tayo Anak: nay maya na BC pa po ako eh Nanay : bakit anak ano ba ginagawa mo Anak : eto pong saranggola ko Nanay : bakit anak makakain mo ba yang saranggola Anak : bakit nay mapapalipad nyo ba ang gulay. ******************************************************************************************** Guys, have you heard the story of the mag-ina sa U.S.? Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in Los Angeles. Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied. Nang dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short, they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa dibdib ng kanilang inay. Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong familia. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito: "Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!! Pasyencia na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment). Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang: - dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo. -anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni Ninay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan. -iba't ibang klaseng tsokokate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat... -anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko. -isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan. - dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo Ate...... -walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, Isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko. -ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. -ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. -mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko. Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Nagmamahal na kapatid, Nene PS. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay..." ******************************************************************************************** Why Babies area Fast Learner? Baby: (1 month) Can speak MA-MA. Baby (2 Months) Can speak PA-PA Baby (3 Months) Can speak DE-DE Baby (4 Months) Can Speak YA-YA Baby (5 Months) Amazing! Marunong nang magsumbong... MAMA, PAPA DEDE YAYA! ******************************************************************************************** Madame President: one day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ung driver ni madame president ay pinupunasan ung S.U.V. ni P.G.M.A. den c gloria pumasok sa kotse sia daw muna ung mag da-drive kaya nakaupo sa kabilang upoan ung driver at nag simulang nag drive c gloria, enden may pulis na dumating , pinapara sila ng pulis nung nakita nung pulis si gloria tinawagan niya ung hepe niya. PULIS: hepe! hepe! may violator tayo pero bigatin HEPE: kahit congress man yan hulihin mo parin PULIS: hepe! mas bigatin sa congress man 'tong violator HEPE: kahit senator yan hulihin mo parin PULIS:hepe! mas bigatin pa to sa senator HEPE: eh sino b yan PULIS:di ko po alam eh HEPE:paano mo masasabing bigatin yan PULIS: driver niya po c madame president eh HEPE: NGEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ******************************************************************************************** Nasa huli ang pagsisi May isang lalaki na nasiraan ng auto sa harap ng isang liblib na lugar... Weird may ermitanyong Matanda na nagaalok sa kanya ng librong tig-1000 pesos. namahalan yung lalake pero napilitan syang bilhin ito baka daw kase may magic yung libro kaya mahal. Nang mabayaran nya may babala ang matanda sa kanya,., MATANDA: Wag na Wag mong titingnan ang nasa likod ng librong ito,.,. kung hindi ikaw ay magsisisi!!! Naayos na ng lalake ang kanyang auto at nakabalik sa kanyang apartment na tinutuluyan, Hindi sya makatulog dahil sa sinabing babala ng matanda. di sya nag dalawang isip na basahin ang nasa likod na libro..... ang nakalagay sa likod.......... NATIONAL BOOKSTORE 49.75. Nagsisisi nga sya.,.,.,.,.,.,., ******************************************************************************************** A sunday school teacher asked the little children, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright kid replied, "Because people are sleeping." ******************************************************************************************** PARI: sister,halika dito sa silid, SIS: dios ko! PARI: isara mo pinto, patayin mo ilaw! SIS: tabi ka sakin SIS: oh God! PARI: tignan mo itong ROSARY ko GLOW IN THE DARK! ******************************************************************************************** 1st guy:" Pare napanood mo ba ang SONA at napansin mo ba standing ovation ang mga audience?" 2nd guy:"Hindi ko napanood eh, bakit magaling ba ang speech?" 1st guy:" Wala puro BS lang." 2nd guy:"Eh bakit nagtatayuan ang mga audience?" 1st guy:"Eh kasi hindi nila makita si pandak." ******************************************************************************************** Nang-asar ang college boy sa high school girl na sexy. Sey ng college boy sa kasama, "Wow, pare! High school pa lang, pero ang boobs, college na!" Narinig iyon ng high school girl kaya sumagot siya, "Ikaw, college na… pero ang ari mo, Grade 1 pa!" ******************************************************************************************** Isang gabi, tumambay si Erap sa isang beerhouse... at habang umiinom siya mag-isa at pinapanood ang isang babae na sumasayaw na walang suot ay bigla niyang napansin na lumapit ang isang amerikano at naglagay ng P500 sa (girl thingy) ng babae... at napaisip si Erap (ayus yun ah... ) tapos mayamaya... may lumapit namang Intsik at naglabas ng P1,000 at sabay lagay sa (girl thingy) ng babae... napansin ni Erap yun at naiingit... mayamaya ay siya naman ang lumapit... labas ng kanyang wallet at kuha ng kanyang ATM Card at biglang swipe!! sa (girl thingy) ng babae at sabay kuha ng g P1,500!!! hehehehe... ******************************************************************************************** a little girl asks her mother: lttle girl: momi, lahat ba ng angel maka fly? mom: Oo anak, all angel can fly.... little girl: eh bakit si dady, tawag nya kay yaya " oh my angel" di nman siya fly? mom: ah! ganun... now you can see your yaya fly..... ******************************************************************************************** igorot Isang araw, pumunta ang taga Maynila sa Baguio gamit ang kanyan 4x4 na sasakyan. Habang nakaparada ang kanyang sasakyan nakita ng igurot ang nakasulat sa kanyang sasakyan na 4x4, ang ginawa ng iguro nilagyan ng =16, galit na galit ang may-ari agad nyang binura ang inilagay ng igurot bago bumaba ng Maynila, pangalawang araw, ganon na naman ang nangyari, nagalit na naman ang may-ari, halos paulit-ulit na lang na ginagawa ng igurot ang ganon, Naisip ng may-ari ng sasakyan na sya na mismo maglagay ng =16 bago sya umakyat ng Baguio. Nakita ng igurot na meron ng =16 ang ginawa ng igurot naman e, nilagyan ng check. ******************************************************************************************** Mayroong dalawang inosenteng nilalang na naligo sa batis, isang lalake at isang babae: LALAKE: Sarap maligo dito sa batis no.... BABAE: oo nga! (at naghubad ng damit ang babae) LALAKE: nakita niya ang P*ki ng babae at napansin nyang tumigas ang KANYA..... *napansin ng babae ang "ano" ng lalake. BABE: ano yan? LALAKE: (nagnenerbios nagsalita) LARUAN KO YAN! " up and down! up and down" BABAE: oo nga no! LALAKE: ikaw meron ka? BABAE: OO naman, heto! " Close open Close open" LALAKE: PAsasabayin kaya natin! BABAE: OO cge! BOTH: Ummmm ang Sarap palang maglaro! |
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Post by Slazh Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 4:09:42 GMT 8
evolution vs creation
Teacher: We are the descendants of Adam and Eve! Student: That's not true. My dad says we are the descendants of an Ape! Teacher: D natin pinaguusapan ang pamilya mo!
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Lupe : Lolo Tinong bakit po may hawak hawak kayong palda ng babae sa kamay niyo? Lolo Tinong : Ay lintek na yan, nakalimutan ko ang Lola mo sa bus!
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Q: What a Woman Wants for a Man???
A:
1.) Pleasing PESOnality
2.) Good CARacteristics
3.) Good family BANKground
4.) Good MONEYrism
5.) Very CASHual
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Two nuns were assigned to paint a room in the convent with an instruction from the Mother Superior that they must not get even one drop of paint in their "habits". To make sure they won't stain their habits, the two nuns decided to paint in the nude. In the middle of their painting, comes a knock on the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door. "Nice boobs", says the man, "Where do you want to put the "BLINDS"?
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
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Miss Universe Pageant
The Setting: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q&A Portion. The Finalists: Ms. America -Ms. Spain - Ms. Britain - Ms. Iran -Ms. India - Ps. Philippines - Question: Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms. America: Well, I would say that, male organs in America are like gentlemen. Q: Why do you say that? Ms. America: Because it stands everytime it sees a woman. (Applause..Applause) Q: Ms. Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms. Spain: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight. Q: Why do you say that? Ms. Spain: Because it charges everytime it sees an opening. (Applause..Applause) Q: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country? Ms. Britain: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors. Q: Why do you say that? Ms. Britain: Because it cries after every performance. (Applause..Applause) Q: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in you country? Ms. Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like thieves. Q: Why? Ms. Iran: Because they always enter thru the back door. (Applause..Applause) Q: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country? Ms. India: A male organ in our country is like a laborer. Q: Why do you say that? Ms. India: Because it works day and night. (Applause..Applause) Q: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country? Ms. Philippines: Ahh..well, opcors, hi,hi,hi...I can say dat male organs in ourcountry are like chismis! Q: Chismis? Ms. Philippines: Ayy sorry!!..It's ano..Kuwan...It means GOSSIP in our language. Q: Hmm..Interesting comparison..And why do you say that? Ms. Philippines: Ayy..diyahe!! Hihihi, Kasi...I mean...Because...it passes frommouth to mouth. (STANDING OVATION)
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1st day ng klase syempre ngpapakilala muna ang mga teacher. sinulat nya ang name nya sa blackboard. "miss pruke" kpag tinanong kau bukas kailangan alam nyo ang aking name alalahanin nyo with an r.. with an r.. with an rpaglabas ng student s klase inulit-ulit nila n with an r.. with an r.. with an r..kinabukasan tinanong sila ng teacher ngunit si Juan kundi mag day dream. npansin xa ng kanyang teacher. tinanong sya. sabi ni Juan "yes ma'am"sabi ng teacher "ano real name ko?"namamawis sa kaba si Juan binubulong ng mga classm8 nya wiyh an r.. with an r.. with an r.. naisip ni Juan ang name sinabi nya "miss prekprek"
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3 men holdup a bus and started collecting cash, jewelry& cellfones from the passengers..... a young lady was so worried that she cannot reached her destination without money... she pulled out her only P500 peso bill from her wallet and insert it at her pantys... the holdapers got her wallet and cellfone...then they fleed...... after reaching her destination...she went to jollibee to eat... at the counter she ordered burgers and pay with the P500 bill....the casheir told her that her P500 was a fake! she asked why?...... the cashier told her that ninoy is covering his nose at the P500 peso bill!.......
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Mag-inang homeless naglalakad sa harap ng simbahan ng makita nila ang malaking puno ng bayabas na maraming bunga sa tabi nito.ANAK: Nay akyat ako at kukuha ako ng bayabas. Nagugutom na ako eh.NANAY: O sige anak.NANG LUMABAS ANG PARE SA SIMBAHAN AT TINAWAG ANG BATA.PARE: Ining ito ang 100 peso bumili ka ng pagkain.KINABUKASAN SABI NG NANAY AKO NAMAN ANG AAKYAT AT GINAWA NGA AT NAKITA RIN SIYA NG PARE AT TINAWAG.PARE: Ale baba ka diyan baka malag-lag ka at punta ka rito. (TAPOS BUMABA ANG ALE). PARE: Ale heto ang piso.NANAY: Bakit ho piso lang ang binigay niyo ano po ang mabibili ko nito.PARE: Blade! Ale mag-ahit ka dahil makapal na yang bulbol mo eh.
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There’ once was a Filipino who worked for 10 years in Saudi Arabia. For all those 10yrs he never once had sex.So upon returning to the Philippines the first place he went to was a Bar known for its prostitutes. He immediately asked the Lady in charge, " I have $5000, what can I get for that much money?" The Lady replied, " You can have the prettiest girl in the joint." He saw the prettiest girl in the joint and had sex with her. The next weel he only had $1000, He asked the Lady what he can get for $1000, She told him he can have the second most beautiful girl in the house, sso he did her.After a few more weeks of this, He came in one week with only $50, He asked.what can I get for $50? The lady said," you can have the ugliest girlwe have." She came out and was the ugliest girl he's ever seen.But since He wasso horny, He had sex with her anyway.The next week he only had $10 left. He asked what he can get for $10. The lady said, " Follow me." She led him into a room where there was a chicken on the bed and said, " there, you can have sex with the chicken for $10." He thought to himself, "a chicken? well, Im so horny Ill just have sex with the chicken." So he had sex with the chicken. The next week he came in with only $5. He asked what he can get for $5. The lady led him into a dark room with some guys watching something through a 2 way mirror and said," there, you can watch for $5." So he went to the very front and was amazed to see through the 2 way mirror that a guy was having sex with a cow!He nudged the guy beside him and said " can you believe this guy? He's having sex with a cow!! The guy, without looking at him said, " Oh thats nothing, you shouldve seen the guy last week, he was having sex with a chicken!!
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Nairita si Tomas sa narinig na ingay sa likod ng kanyang bahay at agad niyang pinuntahan. Nabigla siya ng makita niyang ginagahasa ng daga ang kanyang pusa. Natuwa siya sa natuklasan kaya kinuha ang daga at pinakain ng marami para mabigyan ng lakas. Nagpunta sa kapitbahay at pinakawalan ang daga. Napatawa siya sa tuwa ng masilayang ginagahasa ng daga ang aso ng kanyang katabing bahay......Hindi siya makapaghintay na ipakita ang kanyang namasdan sa kanyang asawa. Agad siyang pumanhik sa kwarto at tinawag ang kanyang asawa, " Sweetheart, di ka maniniwala sa sasabihin ko sa iyo!......Nang makita ng asawa si Tomas na may hawak na daga, agad na sumigaw, " Ilayo mo yang manyak na yan! " ~~~
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Janitor si Tulume sa isang opisina. Isang araw habang naglilinis siya, kinausap niya ang kanyang boss.....TULUME : Boss, bilib ako sa inyo kung pumili, napakasexy ng bagong secretary niyo!...... BOSS : Buti naman at nagustuhan mo siya, pero di ka maniniwala sa sasabihin ko sa iyo. Ang bagong secretary ko ay isang ROBOT. Isang latest model siya galing ng Japan. Kung pipisilin mo ang kaliwang s-u-s-o niya, magdidikta siya, kung kanang s-u-s-o, magta-type siya. Dahil mabait ka sa akin, Tulume, pwede mo siyang hiramin kung gusto mo!.......TULUME : Naku, Boss, maraming salamat!.......Hiniram ni Tulume ang ROBOT, at nang paubos na ang mga tao sa opisina, dinala niya ang ROBOT sa banyo. At ng makalipas ang ilang minuto, humaharurot sa sigaw ang matandang janitor!......"S-h-i-t!", sabi ng boss niya,"nakalimutan kong sabihing pencil sharpener ang pwet ng ROBOT!" ~~~
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One night, Pablo is reading his book in bed with his wife asleep at his side, and every few minutes he reaches over, plays with his wife's p-u-s-s-y...... He does this five or six times, and Pablo's wife finally complains, "d**n it, Pablo, stop teasing me!....... Pablo answers, " Teasing you?.. s-h-i-t ! I'm just getting my finger wet so i can turn the page! " ~~~
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Guy:Hon nood tau Movie. Girl: pagdating nating don d mo ako hahalikan? Guy: oO. Girl: d mo hahawakan boobs ko? Guy: oO Girl: d mo rin hahawakan mga masisilang bahagi ng aking katawan? Guy: uu Girl: Edi ikaw nalang manood..
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May isang unanong Pinoy ang nagpunta sa CR, at nakakita ng Kanong umiihi. Nilapitan niya ang Kano at sinabing, "Sir, you have nice balls!"......Nagustuhan ng mayabang na Kano ang compliment ng unano at sagot niya, "Thanks, i wash them everyday!"......Tapos, tinanong ng unano, " Can I touch them?"......Sagot ng Kano, "Sure, go ahead!"......Kumuha ng maliit na silya ang unano, pumatong siya at hinimas himas ang itlog ng Kano!......"Oh yeah!, they're really nice!", sabi ng unano......Pinaikot ikot niya sa kanyang kamay ang dalawang itlog ng Kano, at biglaan na lang pinisil at hinawakan ng mahigpit ito......Tinignan sa mata ang Kano at pasigaw na sinabing, "Give me your f*cking wallet or I'll jump!"~~~
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BOY: love, mag-69 tayo?GIRL: ano yung 69?BOY: halika tuturoan kita...(nakapusisyon ang dalawa nang biglang napa-utot ang lalaki nang dalawang beses...)GIRL: AAAAAHHHH!!!! ayoko na!!! di ko na kakayanin ang 67 pang utot mo!!!
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.“Mother, where do babies come from?”The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thingy in the mommy’s girl thingy. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thingy in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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DOC: Misis ano po sakit nyo?MISIS:Mister ko doc, ang haba ng ari! pag nagsesex kame umaabot sa atay ko.DOC:Gusto mo putulan ko?MISIS:Huwag doc! iusog mo na lang atay ko....
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NURSE: "Doc. bakit may thermometer ka sa tenga?DOCTOR: Huh? lintek! Kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko..ngek!
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sa kwentuhan sa airport: sa america, 911 is very fast, 5mins after the crime, police are already there to assist. sa japan, mas mabilis, kasi sa mga bullet trains nila, kaya 3mins aftrer the crime nandun na kaagad mga crime scene investigator nila. SA PILIPINAS, panis sila, 10 minutes before the crime, nandun na mga pulis.......ngeeekkkkk
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A Filipino husband said to his American wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it .".....The American wife said to her Filipino husband, "I will take a photo of your p-e-n-i-s and enlarge it."
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magkasamang naliligo sa bathtub ang 2ng bakla mayamaya may lumutang na condom sabi nung isang bakla .umutot ka no?
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merong broke na broke na intsik na mag-asawa..sa sobrang hirap sa buhay naisip ni Lee na magtrabaho si Linda sa gabi at maging prostitute(pok-pok)Lee:magtrabaho ka para magkapera tayo..Linda:wala akong xperience Lee:don't worry ako ang bahala..if u need my help i'll be here at the corner at ikaw tumayo ka lang jan... lumapit si pedro at nagtanong. pedro: magkano?Linda:sandali lang..pumunta c Linda kay Lee..Linda: Magkano daw??Lee:sabihin mo 200pesos para sa lahatbumalik cya sa customer...Linda:200pesos lahat-lahatpedro:50pesos lang dala ko..Linda:sandali lang umunta ulit c Linda kay Lee..Linda:50pesos lang daw dala nyaLee:tell him hand job langbumalik ulit cya sa customer...Linda:i can only offer u Hand jobpedro:ok, dat will do it....nilabas ni pedro ang napakalaking ari nya...Linda:sandali langpumunta ulit cya kay Lee... Lee:pwede bang pautangin mo sya ng 150pesos...:)na get nyo b???
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there was a newcomer girl in hell complaining to satan: GIRL:Ang daming cute guys dito kaya lang ang liliit ng bird! SATAN:Gaga! e kung malaki e di para ka na ring nasa heaven..
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isang araw c juanita ay umiiyak, tinanong cya ng kaibigan kung bakit. "oh mare, bakit ka umiiyak???" Juanita: kasi ung ari ng asawa ko kasin laki ng BOTE!mare: oh ano namng problema dun? kasin laki pala ng bote eh! ayaw mo nun?Juanita: oo nga, pro kasin laki ng bote ng WHITE FLOWER!!!!! waaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
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TULUME: Doc, hina ng tenga ko. Di ko marinig kahit utot ko....DR.: Heto inumin mo ng isang linggo....TULUME: Lalakas na ang pandinig ko?... DR.: Hindi lalakas na ang utot mo! ~~~
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Nagpa-blood test si Tulume. Kumuha ng sample ang nars. Pagkatapos, walang makitang bulak angnars sinipsip ng nars ang daliri ni Tulume. Naligayahan si Tulume kayasinabihan niya ang nars, "Magpapa-urine test din ako!" ~~~
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Woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed an interest for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.The doctor asked again, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think politicians come from?"~~~
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy ask "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....
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The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post inthe desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched upbehind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is keptthere.Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and nowomen. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we havethe camel,sir."The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understandabout urges, so the camel can stay."About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his ownurges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down hispants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the FirstSergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
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Q: What is an Australian kiss?A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under. (GETS NYO??)
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now," The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep nuts."
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umuwing luhaan c lucky...lucky: huhhu..nanay: bakit anak.. unang araw ng klase umiiyak ka... wala ka bang bagong kaibigan?lucky: meron naman inay..nanay: e bakit ka umiiyak?lucky: kasi... tinanong ako ng sir namin kung ano name ko... e ang sabi ko...LUCKY T. TINIO sir.... huhhuunanay: kaya naman pala...
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may couple na bagong kasal, sabi nong tatay sa bahay na lang maghoneymoon para tipid at pumayag namn ang anak na lalake. mga alas 9 ng gabi umaga ang bahay na kahoy eh di nagtanong ang tatay. tatay: anak, anak anong nangyayari dyan? anak: wag kang magalala tay itoy aming first flight.mga alas 11 ng gabi umaga uli ung bahay tatay: anak, anak anong nangyayari dyan? anak; wag ka magalala tay itoy aming second filght! mga alas 11 30 ng gabi umugu ulet ung bahay pro nagtaka ung anak kasi di na sila un kaya nagtanong. anak: tatay tatay anong nangyayari dyan? tatay: wag kang magalala anak ito ang aking solo flight! Hehehehehhehe
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Ano ang pagkakapareho ng suso ng babae at banana?Sagot, they both saging......
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A husband said to his wife, " I will take a photo of your breast and frame it."The wife said to her husband, " I will take a photo of your thingy and enlarge it."ha ha ha lol
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Si maria ay nainlab sa isang macho at gwapong lalake. nagpakasal sila...sa honeymoon, 1st time nya palang makikita ang buong katawan ng kanyang mister... dahan dahang naghubad ang mister....lumantad ang dibdib. Maria: WOW...Dynamite!!! Lumantad ang abs...Maria: WOW...dynamite!!! naghubad ng pantalon...Maria: WOOW...dynamite!!! tapos naghubad ng brief...bahagyang napahinto si maria habang nakatingin sa ari ng asawa. Maria:....ANO YAN.....MITSA???
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Post by castel on Apr 18, 2008 9:22:39 GMT 8
[td][/td] ;D hehehe! Best Joke EVER! mapugsat ti ;D[glow=red,2,300] BAGIS [/glow]mo kakatawam apoh!
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Post by Slazh, Webmaster on Apr 18, 2008 11:58:10 GMT 8
isang bulag ang nabanga sa poste habang naglalakad sa edsa nahilo ang bulag at tinulongan siya ng pulis tinanong ng pulis ang bulag ano ano ang pakiramdam mo ng mabanga ka sa poste? nagdilim ang paningin ko sabi ng bulag sa pulis Hehehehehehehehe
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WIFE:Luv,bilhan mo naman ako ng bagong bra! HUSBAND: tumahimik ka dyan,ang liit liit na nga ng suso mo mag papabili kapa ng bra!! WIFE: Ang sama mo naman luv!!! ikaw nga nag susuot ka pa ng brief,eh halos wala ka ng TITI!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!.......
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Isang Pinoy ang nadestino sa isang remote na lugar sa Alaska para magtrabaho. On his first day at work, he noticed that there were no women in the area (remote na remote talaga). So he asked his boss: "Sir, I noticed we have no women here...How do you...? The boss replied, "Well, we really have no access to women here. But if you feel the urge, there is a barrel with a hole in the back of the building. You can use that." Our kababayan thought about it for a while. Then one day when he really felt horny, he went to the back of the building and found the barrel with the hole. He stuck his thingy in the hole and oh! boy---that was the best sex he ever had in his whole life!!! So the following day he told his boss about it. "The hole in the barrel was great!!! I wanna use it every day." The boss said, "Everyday except Thursday." "What's wrong with Thursday? the guy said. "Because," the boss replied, "Thursday is your day in the barrel."
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nakita ni Father c Manny na kanyang sacristan na kumukupit ng $20 sa donation sa simbahan.after d mass,d Father asked him bakit siya laging kumukupit ng pera.d sacristan said para daw sa blow job.Dahil hindi alam ni Father ang blow job, tinanong nya c Sister Landee wat is blow job.Ang sagot ni sister ay "$20 po Father.
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" The priest thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to the rectory, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the rectory. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
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Pumunta si Judy sa doctor nya at kinunsulta kung paano maibabalik ang sex drive ng asawa nyang si Aris. Sabi ng doctor ay painumin ng viagra.Pero ayaw uminom ni aris ng kahit anong medisina."Walang problema" sabi ni doctor. Ihulog mo sa kape nya at hindi nya ito malalasahan. Makalipas ang ilan linggo...Balik sya sa doctor,"anong nangyari"tanong ng doctor. "Terible at romantiko doc." ani ni Judy."Inilagay ko yung viagra sa kape at umipekto kaagad,hinawi nya lahat yun nasa mesa at hinubaran nya ako at naghubad rin siya at niromansa nya ako ng hindi ko naranasan sa loob ng maraming taon." "Romantiko naman pala eh,Anong terible dun?" ani ni doctor.sagot naman ni Judy,"Nahihiya na akong bumalik sa McDonald doc." HAR!HAR!HAR!
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thingy Requests a Raise I, the thingy, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear thingy, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management
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here's one from a website and once was told by my friends... >Tatay na Mayabang: "Ako'y tunay na natutuwa sa aking panganay na lalaki. Nagtapos ng Business Administration sa UP at mayroong MBA galing sa Harvard. Ngayon, e Presidente siya ng isang malaking Corporasyon. Sa yaman niya, e, binigyan niya ng isang Mercedes at isang BMW yung isang kaibigan niya." >Tatay na mas Mayabang: "Ako nama'y galak na galak sa bunso kong lalaki. Nagtapos ng Medicina sa UP-PGH at nag Residency sa Sloan Kettering. Ngayon, e Director for Research siya at kandidato para sa Nobel Prize. Mayaman din siya. Biro mo, yung isang kaibigan e binigyan niya ng apartment sa 5th Avenue sa Manhattan." >Tatay na Mahiyain: "Ako nama'y medyo disappointed dito sa kaisa isa kong anak na lalaki. Mangyari e bakla at saksakan ng landi. Hindi bale na sanang malandi, e kung sino-sino pang lalaki ang mga kinakasama. Hairdresser siya pero mukha namang mahusay makisama. Yung kaniyang BMW at Mercedes, at yung tinitirhan niyang apartment sa 5th Avenue e bigay lahat ng mga "boypren" niya." nyekk!
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A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are likepears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of thingyes are there?"The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's thingy is like an oak, mighty and hard.In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change theadmittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, youhad to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go intoeffect at noon the next day. The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. TheAngel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, "Before Ican let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the dayon which you died." "No problem", the man said."I came home to my 25th floor apartment during mylunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair,but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him.My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment." "Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balconyand saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ranout onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die!" "Iwas so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw athim. Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So Iunplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the25 storeys and crushed the man. Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack anddied instantly!!" The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a badday. It was crime of passion. So he announced, "Okay, sir. Welcome to theKingdom of Heaven,"; and let him in. A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, "Before I canlet you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day youdied." "No problem", said the second man. "But you are not going to believethis!!!" "I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my dailyexercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hardto relieve my stress. I think I got a little carried away, slipped andaccidentally fell over the side!" "Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony belowmine. But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hitthe ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which broke my fall. But Ididn't die immediately." "As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, noticethe crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors andlands on top of me -killing me instantly!" The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "Ithink I like this new policy", he says to himself. "Okay", said the Angel tothe second man. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and he lets the man in. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates. The Angel says,"Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding insidea refrigerator................."
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Paano masusuri ang "experience" ng babae sa pamamagitan lang ng pag-order sa restaurant? (pagmasdan ang bibig sa salamin habang binabanggit ang mga words) 1:pag ang babae ay wala pang experience or virgin pa... ang order nya ay SOUP! 2:pag ang babae naman ay may bf na at may konting karanasan... ang order nya ay JUICE! 3:pag ang babae ay may asawa na, ang order nya ay COKE! 4:pero pag ang babae ay may mga anak na, ang order nya ay TSAA!!! ngek!soup .juice ocoke Otsaa ( )get nyo?!
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A couple just got married,the following day the wife "asked the husband,Honey what do you like for breakfast?Husband responded"I will eat you for breakfast.Lunch time came,same question"Honey what do you like for lun-ch?Husband responded"I wll just eat you for lunch.Dinner came,when he walked in ,he saw his wife sliding up and from the bannister.He asked sweetheart what are you doing there,she responded "I am warming-up your dinner".
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Dalawang madre ang kinidnap ng dalawang lalaki at sila'y hinalay. Madre #1: "Ama, patawarin mo po siya at hindi niya alam ang kanyang ginagawa." Madre #2: "Sister, yung sa akin, marunong!"
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QUESTION: ano ang tawag sa palakang mahilig sa gubat? ANSWER: palakang gubat. QUESTION: ano ang tawag sa palakang mahilig sa bukid? ANSWER: palakang bukid. QUESTION: ano ang tawag sa palakang mahilig sa sex? ANSWER: eh di palakantot
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3 single women talking about who they would want to marry.1st: I want to marry a doctor because they know how to "inject".2nd: I want to marry an architect because they know how to "erect"3rd: I don't care about those 2 professions. Basta gusto ko bisaya, kasi matigas ang dila nil
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3 Insurance Agents were bragging about the coverage of their insurance product.first Agent: Mine have a very good coverage. It covers you from "Cradle to Grave"Second Agent: Mine is better. It covers from "Womb to Tomb".Third Agent: Mine is the best! It covers from "Erection to Resurrection"
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May triplet na magkakapatid (mga babae) na ikinasal ng sabay-sabay. At sa gabi ng kanilang honeymoon ang kanilang ina ay nakikinig sa bawat pintoan sa tatlo niyang anak.(Nakinig siya sa pintoan ng kanyang unang anak)Door 1: Ah..Ah...Ah.....(parang masaya)(Nakinig naman siya sa pintoan ng kanyang pangalawang anak)Door 2: Hu.....h.....(parang umiiyak)(At nakinig din siya sa pintuan ng kanyang pangatlong anak)Door 3: (Walang ingay parang natutulog ang mga tao na nasa loob)Kinaumagahan habang kumakain ang ina kasama ang mga anak na babae(wala ang kanilang mga asawa) na nag-aalmusal isa-isa nyang tinatanong ang kanyang mga anak tungkol kung ano angkanilang ginagawa kagabi (During their honeymoon)Ina on anak 1: Ikaw iha mukhang masaya ka kagabi ha?Anak 1: Mama naman! First time so its very excited!Ina on anak 2: O ikaw bat ba parang umiyak ka kagabi?Anak 2: Mama naman first time so masakit talaga!Ina on anak 3: Bat kayo para yatang wala kayong ginawa kagabi kundi matulog lang?Anak 3: (Ngumingiti parang nahihiya) Mama naman ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa akin na: DONT TALK WHEN YOUR MOUTH IS FULL!
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A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T'She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'
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isang araw si padre ay hinatid di madre sa kumbento habang nagdradrive si padre napansin nya na kita ang legs ni madre... di napigilan hinimas ni padre ang legs ni madre... MADRE: father! ano ka ba? remember psalms 8:15? PADRE: sorry sis hindi ko mapigilan... mayamaya hinimas nanaman ni padre ang legs ni madre... MADRE: FATHER!! PSLAMS 8:15... ito ang ulit ulit na sinabi ni madre hanggang nakapunta na sila sa kumbento ulituli nagsosorry ang padre... paguwi ng padre hinanap nya kung ano ang nakasulat sa pslams 8:15... at ang nakasulat "seek further more into the depths of me and you will find glory.." >>> hihihii
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sa impierno my mga babaeng nag rerek-klamo kay satanas. BABAE: satanas bakit ang mga lalake dito ang po-pogi at machung machu pero bakit ang liliit ng mga tite nila. SATANAS: gaga kung malaki ang tite nila eh di parang na sa langit kana....
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Isang bulag ang pumasok sa isang maliit na restaurant. Sinalubong siya ng waiter at wala sa isip na nagbigay ng menu. "Hindi mo ba napansing?bulag ako? Bigyan mo na lang ako ng mga gamit na tinidor at nang malaman ko kung ano ang kakainin ko!", bulyaw ng bulag. Hindi na nagtanong ang nalilitong?waiter at kumuha ng dalawang tinidor na hindi pa hugas at binigay sa bulag. Inamoy ng bulag ang una. "Fried chicken! Hindi ako kumakain ng fried chicken", sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy ng unang tinidor. At inamoy naman ang ikalawang tinidor. "Eto, meatloaf, bigyan mo ako niyan". Namangha ang waiter at dumiretso ito sa kusina para kausapin ang cook na si Rosario. "Ang galing noong bulag, oh, amoy pa lang alam na niya ang oorderin niya. Magluto ka nga?ng meatloaf", kuwento ng waiter kay Rosario. Nagluto si Rosario ng meatloaf at ibinigay sa bulag. Nasarapan ang customer kaya nagbigay ito ng malaking tip. Kinabukasan, bumalik ang bulag at nagbigay na naman ng dalawang tinidor ang waiter para ipaamoy rito. "Ito, gusto ko ng porkchop", sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy?pa lang ng unang tinidor. Sa ikatlong araw, umamoy na naman ang bulag?ng dalawang tinidor. "Hindi ako kumakain ng hamburger. Ito namang isa, meatloaf ulit.?Wala na bang bago?", reklamo ng bulag. "Teka lang ho", sabi ng waiter sabay labas. Kumuha ng malinis na tinidor ang waiter?at pinahid sa loob ng panty ni Rosario para paglaruan ang customer. "Subukan n'yo po ito", sabi ng waiter?na iniabot ang tinidor na pinunas sa panty ni Rosario. "Aba!", gulat na sabi ng bulag. "Dito na ba nagtratrabaho si Rosario?"
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There were 3 persons arguing about their religion... a budhist, an islam and a catholic...to prove their faith, they had to jump from top of a building... the islam goes first and shouted....alaaahhhhh!!! and he dies...the next person to jump is the budhist...he jumps and shouted budha...budha...budha...when he was almost to hit the ground... he floated and flew back to the top of the building...the catholic says, "your God is nothing compared to my GOD!" then he jumps...and shouted GOOOOD!!! when he was almost on the ground he immediately closed his eyes and say....Budha..budha...budha....budha!!!hehehe...
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isang araw, may isang dalaga na taga-probinsiya, dahil sa hirap ng buhay sa probinsiya, nagpaalam siya sa kanyang ina na luluwas siya sa Maynila para magtrabaho dahil gutom na sila....pagkalipas ng isang lingo, bumalik siya sa probinsiya, nagtanong ang kanyang ina kung bakit siya bumalik agad..."pano, gutom din pala mga tao sa Maynila, pati puki ko kinain!!!"
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one day sabi ng tatay sa anak, "junior sabihin mo kay mommy na magtype kami" punta naman si junior at sabi "mommy, type daw kayo ni daddy" sabi ni mommy "anak di pwede the red flag is up". so after two days si mommy naman ang nagsabi kay junior na tanugin si daddy, sabi ni junior " daddy pwede na daw kayo magtype, pero nagrefuse si daddy at sabi, "sabihin mo kay mommy na wag nalang kasi naghand written na ako...
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pasara na ang palengke nang biglang may isang bakla na nagmamadaling bumili nang hotdog. Bading "mama pabili po nang isang hotdog, iyong pinakamalaki at pinakamatigas. Tindero, " ano puputulin ko bang nang malilit? Galit na sagot nang Bading, "anong palagay mo sa puwit ko, ALKANSYA?"
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Si Domeng, sa hirap ng kanyang buhay ay panay tuyo na lang ang kanyang ulam sa almusal, tanghalian at hapunan. Minsan isang araw umuwi siyang gutom an gutom sa maghapong trabaho sa bukid. As usual, nagprito na naman siya ng tuyo. Napakabango ng amoy ng nalulutong tuyo at siya'y lalong ginutom. Habang kumakain siya ay biglang nagkati ang kanyang ari. HIndi niya ito pinapansin dahilang siya'y gutom na gutom. Dumating ang oras na di na niya matiis ang sobrang kati kaya tinanggal niya ang kanyang pantalon at underwear. Tiningnan niya ang kanyang ari at may nakita siyang isang surot na naka kagat sa kanyang bayag at mukhang busog na busog. Napahiyaw si Domeng sa galit at ang sabi'y " Hayop kang surot ka, ako'y pa tuyo tuyo lang buti ikaw paitlog itlog ka pa.
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A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.SALESGIRL: " Is it as big as papaya ? "MAN: " No "SALESGIRL : " an apple "MAN: " No SALESGIRL : " ahh..an egg ? "MAN: " YES , but fried !
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ANAK : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !TATAY : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ' S 'sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ?ANAK: BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA
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SweetHearts making love ..GF : " Luv, alam mo ikaw lang ang naikama ko "BF : Sweet mo naman luv !GF : Oo, kasi, yung iba, sa CR, Sala, Kusina at kung saan saan pa !
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BOY 1 : Why did u run away from the naked lady ?BOY 2 : coz' my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will turn tostone & a part of me was already getting hard like stone.
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Q : Ano ang pagkakaiba ng mag-syota at mag-asawa ?A: SYOTA - " Excuse me, lalayo tapos uutot " ! ASAWA" Uutot muna, lalayas tapos wala pang " excuse me"
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Tarzan & animals went to the river to take a bath.When Tarzan took off his clothes, all animals laughedWhen Tarzan asked " WHY ? "Animals said : " Ur tail is in front!
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Q: Why do women wear black panties ?A : For the memory of those who got buried inside !Q: Why do men have to wear white briefs ?A : To pretend that it's pure & never been buried !
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-KOSA 1: Ganda kotse o Siguro kay meyor yan!KOSA 2: Dili, bay!KOSA 1: Ah, kay Warden.KOSA 2: Tunto! Kay Father yan, tingnam mo plakanakasulat na nga sa likod " SAFARI "-------
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Ang lahat ay natutulog sa loob ng bus,habang binabagtas ang kahabaan ng south super hway.habang ang lahat ay mahimbing na natutulog,kapansin pansin ang isang madreng nakaupo sa likuran ng bus na nagdarasal.nag biglang nagpreno ang driver ng bus,dahilan para magulat ang madre.kaya napasigaw sya ng "PUTANG INA"! dahil dito nagising lahat ng pasehero at sabay-sabay na tiningan ang madre sa likuran ng bus.napayuko ang madre sa sobrang kahihiyan,sabay bulong sa sarili ng"NAKU! HINDOT NARIG YATA AKO AH"......tawa kayo please......
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Puzzle: A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me forassistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman,I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
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Post by charles on May 18, 2008 16:13:52 GMT 8
adda met joke ko nga green
kuto 1: mangeg nak, over?
kuto 2: Copy
kuto 1: Location mo?
kuto 2: toy urmot ni ma'am, sika?
kuto 1:okinana ag abay ta lang gayam! adda ak toy bigote ni sir!
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Post by CHARLES on May 18, 2008 16:27:06 GMT 8
bAKET: nag tagtagainep ak lakay natag ak jay bakaras kumkumpet ak lang ti ruruot.
Lakay: Hmp... Bagtit! Nagsakit toy urmot ko nga napan mo ginabot gabot mo. hehehe
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Post by Dondie on Oct 21, 2008 14:33:56 GMT 8
REINCARNATION
As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si Rikardo galing sa inuman at
lasing na lasing. Pagdating nya ay tulog na ang kanyang misis kaya
tumabi
nalang sya sa
kama at natulog na rin.
Kinaumagahan, Sa muling pagmulat ng
matani Rikardo ay nakita nya na ang katabi ay isang lalaki, bigla syang
nagulat at bumangon!
Rikardo: Sino ka! At ano ginagawa mo dito sa Kwarto namin?!
San
Pedro: Huminahon ka Rikardo.
Hindi ito ang kwarto nyo at ako ay si San Pedro
Rikardo: Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!
San Pedro: Ganon na nga iho.
Rikardo:
HINDI! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi nagagawa ang
dami ko pang naiwan sa mundo! Maawa ka San Pedro pabalikin mo ako sa
lupa kahit manlang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa Buhay!
San Pedro: Teka
Huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwede bumalik bilang ikaw pero
pwede kita I
reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!
Rikardo: mmmm kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako. Inahing
Manoknalang po San Pedro, peroilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para
maging malapit ako sa pamilya ko!
San Pedro: OK pagbibigyan ko
ang kagustuhan mo
At muling nabuhay si Rikardo bilang isang inahing manok. Nakita
nya ang sarili na puno ngbalahibo at kasama nya ang ibang mga inahing
manok sa bukid nila. Kinausap sya ng isa panginahing manok na si Susy
Rikardo: Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling.
Teka
bakit
parang umiinit ang tyan ko at kumukulo?
Susy: Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang pakiramdam
kapag malapit ka namangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo syang
dumaloy.
Rikardo: Ano? Mangingitlog ako!!. Oo nga pala inahin nga
pala ako kaya
normal
lang
siguro yun.
Kahit medyo kinakabahan si Rikardo ay sinunod nya si Susy at nailabas nya
ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay gminhawa
Ang pakiramdam ni Rikardo.
Rikardo: Wow ganito
pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog, napakasarap!
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito,
Para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng
sangol napakasarap, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito....Pero teka bakit
parang meron pa?
Susy: Hwag ka mag-alala di tulad ngtao, tayong mga manok kaya
natin mangitlog ng isa hangang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at
hayaan
mosilang lumabas
Rikardo: Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat Susy! Hindi ko maintindihan ang
nararamdaman ko pero totoong nakaka-antig ng
damdamin.
At muli nanaman nagitlog si Rikardo. Gumaan muli ang pakiramdam nya
Napangiti at nasabi nya sa sarili nya na ito
ang pinakamasarap na
naramdaman nya sa buong buhay nya kahit na noon namumuhay pa sya bilang
isang tao, Halos mapaluha sya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang ilabas ni
Rikardo ang pangatlo nyang itlog ng biglang may matigas na bagay na pumalo
sa ulo nya at may narinig syang malakas na sigaw.
Misis: Hooyyy Pu#@*%*#! Mo! Gumising kang Demonyo ka!
Bakitka tumatae sa
kama!!!
.
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Post by crimson on May 15, 2009 16:55:22 GMT 8
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit ang alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
sinulat ang:
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!
FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries" order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.
GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation" .
BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.
The most intelligent "presidentiable"
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earthquake! ". The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!".
ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
"What time does the library open?" Erap on the
phone asked.
"Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
sadly. "I want to get out!"
IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
TESTING
As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light (as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......
WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."
KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
THE WIFE
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
"I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tama na! Tuloy ang giyera.
AIR PRESSURE
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
PASALOAD<
ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext. ~ LOI: (P2 send) ~
ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks! ~
LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!! ~
ERAP: ok!
INFORMATION
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco ?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
Logic Lang Iyan
One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, >eh >>di >> > >lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .
Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : Bakla ka pala !
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